I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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