Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
