My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
