i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
