My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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