i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
