So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
