You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
