Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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