the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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