When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
