im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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