I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
