drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize