I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
