I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize