I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
