Need sex. Gaining weight.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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