note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
True strength comes from lack of pants
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
