I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
