Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
