I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
