My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
