So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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