Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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