Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
