I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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