if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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