she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you win again, gameday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize