There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
