My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
