Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
that is very illegal...i love you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
