all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
