Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
