I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
