I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
