What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
