I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize