Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
