I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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