I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My feet surprised me
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