college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
