my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
