They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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