I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
