I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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