I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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