I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
