hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize