I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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