you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
