he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All the doctor said was why
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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