I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
