My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
