I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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