a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
