Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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