Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
