Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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