just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We left the knife in your bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
