don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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