he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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