Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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