Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
please don't ironically join a cult
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