At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
