either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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